


A Candid Attempt

by t0talcha0s



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Guilt, Nudity, Sex, Tears, but it's canon soo, homosexuality (implied), if you're reading this for porn you're greatly mistaken about what this is about, inspired by a lovely skype conversation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 05:21:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4209513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t0talcha0s/pseuds/t0talcha0s
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For her. You can do this for her, you'd do anything for her. This is such a simple stupid idiotic thing, you should be able to control it. </p><p>Can you do this for her?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Candid Attempt

**Author's Note:**

> Ayy lmao it's so short.

"Dirk." She says and it's breathy and pleading and it just makes you squeeze your eyes shut tighter. "Dirk?" She says it again, more tentatively, and no she can't think you're regretting this. You snap your eyes open, attempting to focus only on hers, and flash her an obviously fake smile. You would never tell her but it would pain you to look anywhere else. You've seen her naked plenty of times, you grew up together it was bound to happen. When you were seven and her bathing suit top slipped off in the pool. When you were sixteen and you walked in on her showering. When you were eighteen and she was in your old dorm room unabashedly changing in front of you. However you've never seen her naked like this, exposed with the intent of intimacy. 

"Sorry." You say, and she takes it that you were apologizing for your lack of focus, but you weren't, you were apologizing for being unable to find her attractive like this. Anyone should find her attractive topless, bra resting somewhere on her floor, breasts barely there and smooth and you're sure a real lover would touch them but you can't bring your hands to do so. Her pants are draped across the back of the couch and the black of her panties seems to hold every dread you contain. Your pants and shirt are off and her hands rest on the waistband of your Legend of Zelda boxers. Triforce emblazoned directly over your, not even remotely hard, dick. You're too tense to get it up. 

You love Roxy; you adore Roxy; every single day of your life you're thankful you have her. You would do absolutely anything for her, break your arm, chop your dick off, hurt someone, any damn thing she could wish you to do. You wish you could do this for her; you can't do this for her. You want to scream and rip your hair out. It's your dick, it's your emotions, you should be able to control them. You should be able to be attracted to her. You should be fucking able to love her the way she loves you, the way you don't deserve to be loved, especially by her. You can't do a simple thing for her, can't fuck her, can't love her, can't feel for her like she wants you to. What the hell is wrong with you? Her hands slip into your boxers and you jolt in fear, not wanting her hands near you, not deserving them since you can't give her what she wants, you think you can play it off as surprise. Your hands go to cup her face, anything to keep from touching her like this, anything so you can close your eyes again. You kiss her, wrenching your eyes shut tight as her hand wraps around you. You pretend it's not her you're kissing, but you can smell her body wash, and taste her lipgloss and it's all so distinctly her, and your gut knots with guilt. You don't deserve her, you can't love her like she wants. She wants this, you have to do it. You open violent, unguarded eyes and stare into her soul. 

"Don't look at me like that." She says softly, panting a little, legs bracketing your hips and a hand resting on them to ground her. Her eyes are so raw, so clear through the haze, so wanting. For love, for intimacy, it makes your gut knot tighter and you feel a sob build in your throat. You hope you can pass off the subsequent noise as one of pleasure. You feel her gaze shift to yours and everything stops, time freezing. She blinks, and in that it's like she's a different person, back to your Roxy. "Dirk, oh shit Dirk." 

"Roxy I'm fine, we can keep going, I'm sorry." Your voice breaks and you feel an unstoppable wetness flood into your eyes and no, you can't, you are not some pussyfoot bitch crybaby who cries during sex. 

"Oh no no no, Dirk. Shit." Her hands move for your face and the waistband of your boxers snapping back onto your skin makes you wince. Her thumb wipes at you eyes and it only makes you jerk your head away from her hands and feel worse, your body tense. 

"Roxy I'm fine." You say and your voice is tremulous and attempting so desperately to uphold your dignity, and her arms wrap around you. They're not the arms of a lover however, they're the arms or the girl you so desperately need. You choke out another sob and you hug he back, burying your head in her shoulder while she rubs your back. "I'm sorry." You gasp out and it's ugly and you only feel worse. 

"No god. I'm sorry Dirk." You wish you could do this for her, you want to. You would give up anything if only you could give her what she wants. For once in your life, you just can't.

**Author's Note:**

> Dirk would do anything for Roxy, we essentially got the vibe when they were sitting on their quest beds. He also needs to be in control. so that's what this is based around. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy. You can feed me input at Barefootcosplayer on tumblr!
> 
> EDIT: Okay I personally am a fan of this one; but every Time I look at the title I think of one of those sarcastic, passive-aggressive stars like "well you sure fucking tried" and I can't take it seriously.


End file.
